Contact Alexxa Freeman
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A STEREOTYPE, EXPLOITATION, OR NEGATIVE TOPIC: JUST A WOMAN LOOKING FOR SOME INSIGHT TO A PIECE OF THE MALE PSYCHE.
In a dimly lit community college dorm room, I find myself in a sticky situation: the person in front of me, (a male whom I have no intention of creating anything with besides a purely sexual relationship) I am suddenly attracted to in a multitude of ways, including ways that are no longer purely sexual. Why, I’m asking, is this happening?
I kept my distance and made sure to keep things casual, which were my intentions in the first place. I am in no way ready for a relationship at this point in my life, and I don’t develop crushes easily.
Sitting here with this male I’ve only known for two days, I feel my attraction flourish. ‘Why is this?”, I think again. After a few minutes of thought, I finally pinpoint it; he’s a gentleman.
He’s held doors open and let me walk in first. He’s made me feel comfortable. He’s made sure things were alright on my end. He took my opinion into consideration. He hasn’t pressured me. He invited me to hang out, with pure intentions. He’s been seen with me in public. We’ve hung out, in a simple and unclouded way. He’s waited. He has made no push toward a relationship that isn’t sexual, yet I feel attracted to him in ways that aren’t such. He is respectful, a gentleman, per se.
These ideas rattling around in my head got me thinking: if I’ve only hung out with him twice and these feelings are already present, is this something that happens to him often? Then popped in my brain the essential question: is it difficult for attractive males who are also respectful gentleman to keep relationships casual?
I interviewed five males who I believe fit the quota: Quin, Isaiah, Stevie, Sebastian, and Ayden. Their answers varied, of course, because each person is unique, but had a lot of similarities because they have two things in common: they’re attractive, and they’re kind.
I find it safe to say that most males (especially in the 18-22 age group, which is what I interviewed) are essentially rude or scrape the bottom of the barrel of what females would look for in a potential partner so that it’s simple for the female to know what the male wants.
If this is how the larger percentage of males function, how is life different for the males that make an honest effort to be good guys?
First question: Do you find yourself attractive?
For each male, the answer was yes. Attractive males usually know their worth at this point in the game, but I just wanted to make sure there was a clear baseline.
Second question: Do you think you’re a gentleman?
This one had mixed results, but the overall consensus was that they treated people how they think they deserved to be treated, which was with respect. So….yes. They knew they treated women (in this case) with respect and kindness, because it’s what all of us (to begin with at least) deserve.
Third question: Think about how being attractive and being a gentleman could coincide. Elaborate on this idea.
There were two pretty big opinions on this one. One being that they didn’t coincide, or that said person hadn’t experienced it yet, and on the other end, that the combination did cause issues.
Quin shared a story with me about a recent lady friend he had tried to keep a casual relationship with, but she had a hard time keeping things on a purely physical level because of his kindness. This situation responded perfectly to my idea, and backed it up in exactly the right way.
Fourth question: Do women get the wrong idea about what you want out of a situation at times because you’re a gentleman to them? If so, how do you handle that?
Most of the male’s answers I actually found to be very respectable: they said that that of course does happen, but they just try to be honest. Sometimes women can get the wrong idea, but the males try their best to communicate and make sure all parties are informed of what the end goal of the situation is. Said “end goal” usually ends up being for the male to get laid. Which is perfectly fine – good, consensual sex makes the world go around.
Fifth question: Do you find hookups to be hard because of your kindness/respectfulness/gentleman-like tendencies?
Most of the males said they have had a situation where females have gotten confused, or “caught feelings” in modern day terms, but that they just put the truth out there and made sure everyone knew what was going on.
Like I said before, simply stating what they want out of the relationship between both parties. In all honesty, I expected at least one of the males to be less considerate of the female’s feelings, but I was pleasantly surprised at the maturity level of the responses by each of the males I interviewed.
What does all of this mean? Did I find what I was looking for? From a woman’s perspective, it means I was right all along: they’re not doing it on purpose, and it makes things just as hard, if not harder for them than it does for us.
I found everything I needed to know, which is this: all they want is casual, consensual sex but more often than not, feelings are “caught” and a bigger, harder to deal with situation occurs.
All women are different, as are all males. This is, as I stated previously, not a stereotype, exploitation, or negative topic: simply just a woman looking for some insight to a piece of the male psyche – and she got it.